Latest CNN polling data reveals that too many damn Republicans are answering their mobile phones. Polling experts have agreed to adjust polling algorithms to ensure Snapchat voters, Tree huggers, Mainstream media, IVY league professors and ghost whistle-blowers are properly represented in future CNN polls.
Unbiased CNN pollsters agree, recent Impeachment polls, are too skewed in favour of Republicans with at least 2 out of every 100 people polled identifying as Republican. CNN analysts concede that this is at least 3 too many per poll.
CNN experts also highlight that non-citizens are not accurately represented in modern presidential polling and CNN will begin asking the undocumented how they plan on voting in the 2020 Presidential election.
CNN’s pollsters admit that aggressive screening is required to root out closet Trump supporters and ensure Fair polling in the 2020 election cycle. It is hoped this will help to reduce the margin of error in CNN polls to an acceptable +/- 2000%
Updated CNN Screening formula for collecting polling data.
Q. Have you ever voted for a Republican?
Correct Answer: NO!
Preferred Answer: Hell No. Never Ever. Bastards.
Q. Are you willing to put 500,000 blue collar manufacturing workers on welfare immediately to Save the Planet from the imminent threat posed by melting Icebergs?
Correct Answer – Yes. Immediately if not sooner.
Preferred Answer: Can we stop killing cows and outlaw farmers as well? Everyone can re-train as windmill watchers.
Q. Name 1 policy of President Trump’s that you agree with?
Correct Answer: Gosh None. The economy is booming because of Democratic economic policies that are currently not being implemented. Hence the great economy.
Preferred answer: I don’t recognise President Trump as my President – he is a Russian/Ukranian/Iranian/Kurdistan/Chinese spy. #HunterBiden2024
Congratulations you have shown yourself to be an unbiased independent and we will proceed to our Poll.
Q. Who do you intend on voting for in the 2020 Presidential Election?
Correct Answer: Anyone but Trump
Preferred Answer: Gosh this is such a tough, heart wrenching decision – But probably when I weigh up everything fairly and in an unbiased manner I will probably vote for a Democratic candidate. (As long as they are a vegan).
Thanks for Participating we will DEFINITELY be in touch again.
Combat Arena – Information appearing in Combat Arena Satire section is entirely satirical and is not to be taken as in anyway factual.