Shocking end of year statistics reveal a massive increase in the numbers of people failing road-side drug-driving tests.
Michael Healy-Rae has issued a stark warning to the government that this issue is likely to feature heavily in the upcoming general election.
” I have been telling these feckers up in Dublin city for 5 years that if they don’t relax the drink driving laws the whole fecking country is going to go mad on drugs “
The statistics seem to back up the populist politicians’s claims. Over 50 pension age farmers have been arrested in the last quarter of 2019 for snorting cocaine off the backsides of Freisian Heifers.
” Is it any wonder young fellas are cruising around Dingle peninsula in souped up Ford Thunderbirds injecting these joints of marijuana into themselves when they can’t go to the local for a few pints “
The minority Fine Gael government have promised tougher sentences on any persons driving under the influence of drugs. In a related issue an undercover, special Garda task force has been set up to deal with the manipulation of the Viagra market in West of Ireland towns.
One pharmacy in Caherciveen has reported that sales in the Pfizer drug account for 85% of their medical card business. Octogenarian gangs can be seen roaming the towns and villages along the Wild Atlantic Way, pushing the drug on impotent middle age men in exchange for pints of Guinness, a nagon of whiskey and a lift home.
Due to the flagrant price being extracted for the drug, increasingly middle age men are consuming the pills while driving and stopping for a hand shandy on the side of a lonely mountain in quiet desperation.
An Garda Siochana have released the following 2020 new year’s message to the motoring public.
- 973 Breathlysers have been damaged over Christmas due to motorists trying to light them up while blowing into them. This is the incorrect roadside bong etiquette
- Driving under the influence of drugs is against the law
- Hand shandies may contain trace elements of alcohol.
Combat Arena – Information appearing in Combat Arena Satire section is entirely satirical and is not to be taken as in anyway factual.